Nice, Firm, and Perky
by Lotus Aia
Summary: [Kakairu Yaoi] Kakashi returns home from a mission with a wound to the head. Iruka fusses and pervy fluff ensues. Aia is not responsible for any nosebleeds from fluffisms. Or from the constant mention of porn.
1. Nice and Firm

A short one shot that _might_ graduate into a two-shot, if it is so deemed worthy by the readers. Tell me whatchya think!

KAKAIRU YAOI! (lets here a 'Hells yes!')

* * *

Nice, Firm, and Perky

* * *

A pillow is more comforting in a state of sleepiness than even brandy in a state of sorrow. Kakashi heaved a contented sigh, cuddling into Iruka's pillow like it were Iruka himself. There was no telling where the button nosed teacher was at that moment, but Kakashi's weary bones were not up for looking. He wanted to lie, to sleep, to lull in a restful paradise.

"Aaarg! You're getting blood all over my pillow!"

Kakashi jerked awake like he'd been stabbed in the head. "Whan't sleepin'!" he muttered, hands flailing in a disoriented daze.

"You're bleeding out the head!" Iruka roared, no longer staring at his pillow, but instead fixated on the jounin's head. The silver hair, usually so perky and bright, was sagging to the left in a blood soaked bow. The red looked so morbid against the white locks, Iruka shivered at the sight. "Kakashi!" he murmured, kneeling down and cupping the side of his lover's face. "Have you even checked in with Hokage?" he murmured, eyes full of fear and horror. "You-you haven't been treated at all, and- you're head is split open!"

"S'fine. Fell off a little rock."

"You fell off a _little _rock? How far?"

"Ummm… about 125 feet. S'okay though, the water caught me. And this bolder beneath the water made sure I didn't go to far down and drown." he slurred, weaving back and forth at the effort of staying upright. "I'n… uuwaah… I'n gonna sleeeep noooww…" he flopped sideways and tried to curl around the pillow again.

Pillow! Oh! Oh so good!

"Kakashi you're _bleeding_ out your _head_!" Iruka insisted, pulling one limp and boneless arm on the exhausted body. When no response rewarded his efforts, he huffed and went to the near by first aid kit, having used it recently on Naruto (of all people). He pulled out sterilization, a gauze pad, and the gauze to go with it, silently praising the med classes he'd taken.

Making quick work of Kakashi's head, he leaned down and heaved the jounin over his shoulder. The motion was surprisingly easy considering he usually didn't go around carrying fully grown men wherever he went.

"Where we goin'?" Kakashi slurred, acting as a rag doll over his boyfriend's shoulder and allowing such torment to continue.

"Book store."

"Porn?"

"Yup."

"Icha Icha? Are you going to buy it? I have no moneeey…"

"I'll buy you the entire series over again."

"I have three sets. I just need the new one."

"Okay."

o0O0o

Iruka stepped into the doctors office, the night shift glancing up curiously. "He needs a doctor right now." Iruka stated firmly, meaning, _no questions are going to be asked, because you will be busy bringing me a doctor_.

The little nurse behind the counter scampered off and towards the back. No sooner had she disappeared, did Tsunade come down the hall brushing her hands of sterilizing powders.

"I was wondering when he'd make it back. Looks like the bastard's still alive. Right?" She grabbed a handful of Kakashi's hair and lifted his head to look into the two uncovered eyes.

"Porn?" Kakashi inquired hopefully.

"Sure. You're the strip show though. Start unclothing him." She thumbed to a room.

Iruka held himself back from batting Tsunade's offending hand from Kakashi's head. How dare she pull his hair… only he was allowed to do that!

With no words necessary, he tramped off to the designated room and carefully laid the dazed and confused pervert on the table. Not without getting his ass groped first.

Iruka nearly dropped him on the bed, scowling, "Dammit Kakashi, you've got a serious head wound… and all you can think about is porn, isn't it?"

Kakashi giggled drunkenly, "Mmmhmhmhmhm… Iruka's ass is nice and firm and perky."

Iruka began excusing the Hatake from his clothing, careful to keep any wounds as immobile as possible. "My ass my be nice and firm and perky, but your head is gross, bloody, and broken." He grumped. "I can't believe you came home first." he groused, mostly to himself, but the jounin was listening.

A sudden wave of consciousness swept Kakashi's stupid smile from his face. His eyes regarded Iruka lovingly. "Home is where the heart is, and Iruka-sensei holds my heart." he murmured fondly, one disoriented hand coming up to the side of Iruka's head. He guided the tan face down to meet his own pallid lips, pressing a soft kiss in between them.

"Eh-hem." Tsunade cleared her throat obtrusively.

Iruka ignored her. After all, she'd pulled Kakashi's hair.

He leaned up finally, nuzzling the wounded man's cheek affectionately. "I'll have something nice for you when you get home." he promised.

Kakashi's drunken smile was back. "Porn?"

Iruka scowled. "Gawd your thick."

Tsunade gave the two a quizzical glance, "Is that the only word he knows?"

"He responds well to nice, firm, and perky." Iruka stated flatly.

"Iruka's ass!" Kakashi supplied brightly, eyes lighting up in glee.

Iruka didn't even have to time to blush, for he rolled his eyes and exited the room. "Make him better, Tsunade, so I can kick his ass later."

"Sure thing, Iruka-sensei." The endowed woman grinned a feral smirk, "You're a dog, Kakashi."

Kakashi shifted on the bed and smiled to himself, "I live for it." he tucked his hands behind his head and bounced his foot impatiently. "Lets go, Iruka promised me porn, and he never breaks a promise."

"Asshole."

* * *

Previously called 'Home in Red', but was changed to Nice, Firm, and Perky because several people actually suggested it, not just one.

I got the idea from this because I went surfing yesterday, and the guy I went surfing with got his head cracked open by his surf board. I was on a wave so I didn't even see him. But he started walking back and I followed and he was all bleeding out the back of the head. I refrained from flipping out. Yeah. He got two stitches and refused to let me drive his jeep because I'm new to stick shift. So he was driving and bleeding out the head. It was traumatizing. For me.

Comment whore! Feed the ego, leave a review!


	2. Dazed and Perky

This came out longer than expected. oO But here it be!

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Nice, Firm, and Perky, part 2

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Iruka really did love his pillow. Not necessarily the pillowcase, but he did love his pillow. There was nothing like embracing his pillow in the morning when his bed lacked a certain long haired lover of his. But his pillow was special. It was perfectly packed with the correct ratio of goose and duck feathers, and a cotton liner so the feathers didn't poke through to stab him while sleeping. It was a wonderful pillow. _Was_ being the past tense of _is,_ in Iruka's case.

His most beloved pillow was now unfortunately, quite dead. No longer soft and welcoming, it looked foreboding and deceased. The blood that soaked through directly in the middle of the white expanse looked like a death blow someone had inflicted to this inanimate object. An indentation where Kakashi's head had for a short time lain was frozen in place. The blood, once red, had turning sickeningly brownish and hard. The mess was so hard it was near _crispy._ Such is the life of a pillow. Loved for all eternity, and killed gorily in its prime pillowness.

Iruka sighed and picked up the late, departed item, honoring it's life with a moment of thoughtful silence. "Hmm… better you than Kakashi." Iruka smiled warmly and tossed the pillow into the hallway for a later garbage run.

Kakashi was lucky to be alive. Genma had visited later that morning to check on Iruka and inform him of Kakashi's progress. (even if later that morning was still an ungodly hour)

Iruka thought back on Genma's comforting expressions, unable to help a bright smile.

_"Ah, I'm sorry to come in so early, Iruka." Genma offered a bandaged hand out to the sleepy-eyed chuunin. _

_Iruka smiled as best as he could for the wee hours of 3 o'clock, "No, no, it's fine, please come in." he rubbed the sleep from his eyes wearily and stepped aside from the doorway._

_Genma's senbon wagged as he chewed nervously. "You know… Kakashi saved our butts. I can't tell you how yet, I'm sorry-"  
Iruka nodded in understanding. He knew the protocol better than most, having to teach it and run it in the missions office. "I understand, that's fine…" he assured groggily, still rubbing at his eyes._

_The senbon sucking jounin nodded curtly, "Yeah.. you'll hear about it, but… I just thought I'd tell you… it wasn't his fault he got the shit kicked out of him… He… ah… you'll hear it eventually, when we're allowed to talk. Anyway. I came to tell you how he was doing!_

_"As much as we can get out of him through the concussion, is he used every ounce of his chakra and blasted his captors to hell before staggering away. Apparently he staggered straight off a flippin' cliff… Landed on the rocks below the water. Water slowed his fall thankfully, but he's all goofed up from the concussion." he mused, then hurriedly raised his eyes and waved his hands as if to erase the words, "But he's gonna be fine! Tsunade said he'll get better after he rests for a few days! He's already talking better, he's just a little… a little spacey and… and perverted is all…" His cheeks tainted pink._

_Iruka's cheeks returned the pink hue, "Kami-sama… what has he said?"_

_Genma coughed and cleared his throat, "He was just uh, relating some of his and your … past… adventures together?"_

_The chuunin buried an embarrassed face in his palms, "Ugh… how many people has he babbled to?"_

_"Just… just the hospital staff and uh… and everyone who's visited him so far. He keeps saying you promised him porn." He coughed again and rubbed at his blood stained bandana. "So… the staff wants to send him home… because he keeps harassing the nurses about porn."_

_Iruka blanched, eyes wide in horror. "Oh. My. Goodness. He's like a broken record on Pervert mode, isn't he?"_

_"Yeah, basically."_

_"Ugh… When can I pick him up?"_

_"They're pleading for someone to do it soon. I had Raidoh go ahead and start preparing him for transport… I came by to see if you wanted him." he explained darkly, muttering to the ground as he explained his motivations. "He's been asking for you none-stop and all."_

_Iruka's lips tightened and he nodded, rubbing his temples and looking around the apartment. "Sure… I prepare a place for him. Do you think you two could handle bringing him back?"_

_"Of course, we'll be back in an hour." With the exciting news of 'Kakashi is going home', Genma jutsued back to the hospital. Iruka turned back to his ridiculously unkempt living room with a shudder from the frigid morning wind._

_"Stupid heroic jounin. They're all ape-shit if you ask me." he snarled and went to find a cup of enticing coffee from the kitchen._

Coffee in one hand, dirty laundry in the other, Iruka went about cleaning and preparing for Kakashi's arrival. Mainly, he cleaned the sheets of the dirt and grime the bloody man had last night left across Iruka's bed. Kakashi would be spending most of his coming days in the bed in recuperation from whatever heroic endeavors that had destroyed his body.

It didn't take long for a soft knock on the door to call him to the hallway. His expected greeting, happy smiles from two semi-healthy jounin and maybe a tired moan from a third perverted jounin, did not appear to be in Iruka's favor this time. Instead, he was welcomed with two struggling jounin, snarling in annoyance, and one heavily bandaged jounin between them struggling valiantly to break down the door in his excitement.

"Porn!" Kakashi declared gleefully, glomping Iruka in his own doorway after escaping his captors. The ex-anbu smothered the little scar nosed teacher into the ground, cheek pressed down lovingly in fake innocence. A traveling hand cupped Iruka's ass, making his eyes go wide and round. Kakashi snickered and murmured giddily, "Firm and perky!"

"Kakashi!"

"Maaaa… I missed you." he nibbled at the tan collar bone that peeked beneath an unhealthily old sleeping shirt.

Iruka flushed, qualms of how to deal with his situation plaguing him. On one hand, Kakashi was seriously injured. There was the head wound, for one, plus the seven broken ribs and fractured hip bone. It wasn't like he could just kick Kakashi to kingdom come for his perverse activities.

Before further thought could progress, Kakashi had suddenly slipped his other hand up Iruka's shirt in attempts to rid the man of such pesky old clothing.

Oh, clothing was so overrated anyway!

Iruka screeched and flailed at Genma and Raidoh, abruptly commanding them to _do something_.

The two men flustered to pick the uncontrollable jounin from the floor, and hurried to detain him between them. Iruka gathered himself, nose and cheeks bright red as he lingered on angry and hesitant. "Can you please control yourself for just five minutes until we get you into a bed?" he pointed an incriminating finger at his boyfriend.

Kakashi followed the finger with his one eye, watching its graceful movements and gentle quivering. Even Iruka's fingers were asking to be taken! And far be it from Kakashi to not do as fingers told him to. He leaned forward and sucked the finger right into his mouth, tongue dancing along the lemony fresh digit and teeth capturing any protests. He suckled and mewled happily, chomping only when Iruka tried to yank free. Tongue action began to cloud Iruka's thinking now, as he felt uncannily violated by such an action.

Genma and Raidoh could only stare as Kakashi drunkenly molested Iruka's finger orally. It was really and interesting sight to see. Especially when he bit down to keep Iruka from escaping.

"OW! Ka-aack! Kakashi, let go!"

After some slow decision making, the walking bandage of a man reluctantly released his prize. He looked like a dog that had his toy taken away from him for no reason.

Iruka stepped as far back as he could and motioned to the bedroom. "Bed's ready. Keep him there until I come in." he ordered his Kakashi-guards stoutly. He was trying hard not to snarl the order, and could only wrinkle his nose in disgust at the wet pointer finger he now sported

The accompanying jounin both nodded and dragged the struggling man away, reluctant as the pervert moaned pitifully.

o0O0o

"Are you going to behave?" Iruka was in the far corner of the room, watching Kakashi struggle against the invisible chakra restraints.

The dazed man nodded sadly. "I promise not to get up again."

"That was our last deal. I said I'd sit with you if you ate." Iruka explained slowly, as if trying to explain to a child. "If you will behave yourself now and eat all your breakfast, I will sit in front of you. And if you lean forward to grope me, I will have to take extreme measures." he warned calmly, stepping to the end of the bed. "Are you going to stop trying to molest me and eat?"

"Does it matter what I eat?"

"If it's not me than, no."

Kakashi pouted, having had his plans foiled already. He felt so sluggish, his genius abilities were lacking sorely. Usually he had a chance against Iruka, but not today.

"I promise to stop groping you and eat all my breakfast if you sit with me." He beamed so warmly that Iruka was nearly lulled into the false innocence. Nearly.

"Uh-huh. Well, I'm sitting at this end of the bed." Iruka repeated, sitting near Kakashi's feet finally and tapping the tray of food. "Eat it, you need food in you badly." he murmured, softly now, his voice turning a kind side out finally now that Kakashi had promised to stop groping.

The jounin leaned over his meal, wincing though as he did. "Ahh…" he sat up and held his ribs, a clarity through pain making him blink several times. "It's too far away… I'm sorry, can I eat later?"

Iruka's eyes welled in pity and sorrow. "Oh… oh, I'm sorry! I'll think of something, don't worry." he murmured lovingly, sliding off the bed and removing the troublesome food. "I'm really sorry, I didn't even think about that." he set the tray aside with guilt and held the plate in indecision, "Um, how-how would you like to eat it, then? You have to eat, Kakashi." He insisted quietly, reserved and sorrowful as he stared at the beaten man compassionately.

Kakashi smiled so warmly though, reaching a shaky hand as far as it would go, "I will hold it and eat, because Iruka says I need to eat." he promised, a bright yet pathetic smile on his face. He looked to be trying to maintain through some type of pain.

Guilt panged again and Iruka crawled onto the bed, "No, no, I will hold it, if you can just use the fork, I can hold the plate to you." he offered, kneeling on the bed beside his koi.

"No, no…" Kakashi took the plate and braced it against his chest. "Iruka is supposed to sit at my feet, remember? It is my punishment for groping." he picked up the fork, taking careful bites through bruised lips.

Iruka wanted to melt, "It's okay, you prom-"

"What kind of teacher would you be if you went back on your punishments? You must enforce your words, Iruka-sensei." Kakashi advised wisely, dutifully eating the breakfast Iruka had meticulously put together. A balanced diet was crucial after all.

"I…um… alright." Iruka sat at the foot of the bed, pulling his knees up and hugging them to his chest. "How do you feel?" he murmured.

Kakashi blinked dazedly, "What?"

"How do you feel?"  
"Oh. I feel hungry." he decided, leaning back over his plate.

The teacher tried valiantly to excuse the odd behavior, knowing it was only temporary and he would live just fine till it passed.

Kakashi did as he was told properly, almost surprising Iruka since it had taken so much work to get the stupefied man to even sit still without reaching to molest him. Watching the poor white haired man though, Iruka noticed he was having a hard time simply using the once admirable dexterity Kakashi was famous for. His visible eye was glancing from side to side as if lost, and his fork would miss what he was aiming for. Every once in a while, Kakashi would have to set the plate down to rest, head drooping forward and arms hanging limp. Slowly, ever so slowly though, he consumed the food completely and set the plate aside. Upon reaching to set the fork down though, it collided with the side of the dresser and toppled from his weak grip to the floor.

"Ah! I'm sorry, Iruka…" he murmured, slowly beginning to lean sideways, but grabbing his ribs instead in sudden surprise.

"Don't move!" Iruka all but burst, jumping up and dashing around to the side of the bed, "I've got it." He murmured, a comforting hand coming to Kakashi's knee. He bent down and searched for fork that had fallen between the bed and the night stand, eyes so compassionate and worried for his lover.

Kakashi smirked.

He smirked and evil smirk befit for an evil man.

And an evil man he was.

Iruka yelped and smashed his head into the dresser, suddenly being yanked up by the hips and splaying in Kakashi's lap. The beat up man grunted in slight pain, but grinned ferally. "Aaah, Iruka-sensei… You are too cute sometimes." he purred, trapping the helpless teacher in a bone crushing hug.

Sudden strength.

Sudden clarity.

Sudden lust.

It all added up.

Iruka had been very, very duped.

"You stupid pervert!" he struggled carefully, wary of his lover's existing wounds, but weary of the perverse nature of the same man.

"I did was I was told, do I get a prize?"

"What?"

"I want you as my prize!" Kakashi beamed happily.

"I didn't mean it like that!" Iruka moaned, realizing the 'what' had been translated as, 'what would you like?'

Kakashi snuggled down onto the bed and rolled overtop of Iruka, trying to shift carefully as he did. "Maa… well that's what it sounded like." Kakashi nipped at Iruka's tan skin, eyes suddenly alive with thoughts of ravishing.

"Iruka, Iruka, Iruka…" he chanted, breathing in the deep smell. "Iruka is all I want." he was in a trance now, attached to Iruka's back with two strong arms, and one functioning leg.

True, the leg was wrapped around Iruka's thigh and pinning, but it was not threatening to badly. Nor were the capturing arms that seemed to be weakening slowly as the moments passed.

Iruka's fuming pout began to subside as he listened to the rants that the still stupefied jounin kept repeating. "Iruka, Iruka… I cried for you as I fell… and you pulled me out of the river." he murmured, eyes closing as he nipped and felt the skin he could reach on his love. The hands traveled and felt and loved every inch the subdued body could reach.

"Kakashi…"

"Mmm… Iruka, Iruka, Iruka…" he repeated quietly, voice slowly cascading into a whisper. "Iruka is my reason for being here… I live for Iruka… and only Iruka…" he went limp now, forehead nuzzling into the brown chocolate locks he so adored. "Iruka, Iruka, Iruka…" he repeated one last time, then became imminently silent.

Iruka shifted experimentally, the skinny jounin sliding awkwardly to the left of him. He slipped out from beneath the dead weight, aware of the soft snores that emanated from the bandaged-clad man.

Iruka heaved a deep breath and wiped at his eyes, not realizing that there had been fear in his heart until it had ebbed. What he had been afraid of, he wasn't sure exactly. Maybe it had been the odd ranting, possibly the content of his words and how demented he'd sounded.

In any case, Iruka leaned down and kissed Kakashi with a heartfelt press of lips to lips. "I'm right here… when you need me." he promised quietly, nuzzling the pale neck he had once or twice marked for his own self-claim to the man. Nodding off, he snuggled carefully into the body beside him, sighing and reaching for his pillow. Ah. That's right. His pillow no longer existed.

* * *

Maaa... I was thinking of a third chapter... but it would be more serious and fluff filled. This is a good ending though, isn't it? Maybe? Possibly? Or does that little dramatic bit need explaining? Hmm... well. I couldn't help myself with this next short bit. Here it is, Andraia famous and random... 

**Omake**!

* * *

Kakashi stirred. He winced and bumped into a lithe body beside him. Immediately, with the glee of a child finding a cookie in his lunch, Kakashi dove for Iruka's cute little figure.

Iruka gasped and jerked awake, struggling against his attacker half-heartedly. "Ka-kakashiiii!" he mumbled into the ravishing lips.

"You promised me porn!"  
"I bought you porn! You fell asleep after you mauled me though!"  
"You bought me porn? I wanted you to be my porn!"

"WHAT!"

"You promised!" Kakashi began removing the overly layered clothing from his petit chuunin's body.

"I'm going to fricking BURN all those books you hentai bastard!" Iruka latched onto the bed post in an attempt to pull away.

"You PROMISED ME PORN!" Kakashi clung to Iruka's pants as the teacher struggled for escape. "Give me porn!"

"I'm going to smack you in the head SO HARD that it will knock you STRAIGHT!" Iruka snarled in return.

…

Outside the door Genma and Raidoh stood in silence, eyes meeting. "Maybe now isn't the best time to give Kakashi his "Get Well Soon" porn basket, is it?"

"No. I'd say not."


	3. The Juicy Reward

The last chapter. I swear. Wasn't this supposed to be a one shot?

* * *

Nice, Firm, and Perky... part 3

* * *

Iruka was spying on Kakashi. It wasn't like he was stalking his own boyfriend, for he really had no reason to stalk what he already had. The stalking part of their relationship was mostly over. Kakashi, of course, still got a kick out of driving Iruka crazy throughout the day by making his presence just slightly known before disappearing.

No, Iruka was on another mission.

"Hey! I told you to call me if you dropped anything!" Iruka suddenly jumped out of hiding, pointing an incriminating finger at his lover.

Kakashi stared back with a long lazy look in his eyes. "Maa… Iruka-sensei… I've lost an eye… I once had my arm almost severed off… I don't think bending down with a head wound is going to effect me." he waved Iruka's squabbles off and bent over, snatching the pillow he'd dropped from the ground. "I'm fine." he gripped the couch arm as he stood back up, needing the support for his hip.

Iruka pouted the Umino Pout of Breaking. Such a technique had the ability to crack even the strongest Hatake. "Kakashi, it's not just your head." he bemoaned, motioning along the points of the jounin's injuries. "You're hip is to _not_ bend_ ever_ right now, and your ribs are supposed to stay still, too. Your head isn't fully recovered either, and you're spacier after you stand up from bending than you are in the morning!" he defended, forcing a crutch at Kakashi's good arm.

The lazy pervert stared ahead blandly, shrugging one shoulder, "Iruka-sensei knows best." he started his gimp past Iruka, but not without a quick grab to the teacher's ass. "See? I'm still quick at least."

Iruka smacked him in the arm and lead him to the kitchen for lunch. "Hn. Pervert."

"Fast pervert." He corrected brightly.

"Hmph."

o0O0o

Kakashi was plotting. It wasn't a bad plotting, and in fact it was more of a mission, than plotting. His mission? Juicy chuunin ass. His target? Umino Iruka. His method? Undecided. This was a normal, even routine operation for the Hatake, but a new twist had been thrown into his normal custom. _Injuries. _Bad injuries even. His left side was near useless, and sometimes he forgot what he was doing even while he was doing it.

The one issue plagued him restlessly though. Lack of Iruka ass. He really was being depraved, even when sick! Wasn't he supposed to be treated as a king when he was sick? That's what everyone else said.

Still, Iruka declared that it was bad for Kakashi's getting well process, to partake in such excursions as the horizontal limbo. The teacher wouldn't even allow a vertical limbo. Kakashi had tried that, too.

For the time being, the injured special-nin was situated on the couch again, remote in one hand and hip straightened to allow the least amount of pain. Iruka could be heard in the kitchen cleaning restlessly in wait of Kakashi's needs.

So far he had none.

Until his mission suddenly bade him away from the tv. Yes, the need for Umino ass was dire at the moment.

Mind at a slower pace than usual, it took a few seconds for Kakashi to procure a fool proof plan. According to _some people_, a few seconds actually wasn't that long. They were not the great Hatake Kakashi though. Therefore they weren't always attempting to get porn in devious ways and _needing_ that second-long-plan-making skill.

He took the remote and tossed it across the floor, no more than four feet away. The toss had first arched upwards though, allowing gravity to bring the plastic gadget down hard enough to shatter the battery pack open, spewing batteries across the floor.

"Kakashi? What was that?" Iruka questioned, almost on cue.

The jounin cocked his head upwards to speak, "Oh… I moved and the remote flew off the corner of the cushion. It broke open… I'll get it!"

"No!" Iruka came out, an angry glare in place, "If you don't get better I'm going to kill you. I hate having to baby you, so the sooner we get this over with the better." he threw a dish rag at Kakashi to hold, bending down over the scattered remains of his remote control.

"You know… if you kill me before I get better-"

"Shut up. How did this break so badly from just falling? And how did it fall four feet away from you?" He turned around and glared before Kakashi could pull the dish rag from his face and lunge/gimp into action. His plan had been foiled! _Score one for Umino._

"Maa... it happened like this. I was laying here when all of a sudden this bird-"

"Oh give me a _break_." Iruka rolled his eyes and tossed the remote back, batteries firmly in place behind the cover. He reclaimed his cleaning rag and walked away, simply gone before an luscious buttocks could be nabbed.

"Damn."

o0O0o

Plan number two was now in action.

The couch had grown monotonous hours ago, especially when Kakashi had accidently broke the arm rest off by kicking in his sleep. Since then, the couch just wasn't as controlling of his squirminess, nor did Iruka come and check on him as frequently. Something about stupid jounins breaking furniture from having wet dreams. Kakashi didn't know what his lover was talking about and ignored the ranting all together.

Still, plan number two was looking to be more effective than plan number one. This time, contact was sure to be involved. "Irukaaaaa!"

"What?"

"I have to go to the bathroom."

A flat glare rewarded him. "Don't get any stupid ideas, Hatake."

"I have to pee! You've given me like twenty three cups of tea already!" he defended grumpily, rolling precariously towards the edge of the couch.

Iruka, seeing the intentions, quickened his step forward and caught the jounin mid tumble. "Can't you just _wait_ for me to come pull you up? Please?" He hefted his boyfriend back onto the couch, then lifted the stiff upper half up with a grunt.

Kakashi went limp though, putting a hand on his head, "Oh... Iruka... I think I stood to fast..." he clutched to Iruka's shoulders, hanging from them like he were three.

The teacher went wide eyed and stuttered an apology, attempting to lay Kakashi back onto the couch. But the weak and helpless injured man clung, with immense strength, to Iruka's waist and hip. Even with an extra shove to thrust Kakashi back to the couch, the jounin stuck to his hip like a second pair of underwear.

Before a protest could snarl it's way from cute chuunin lips, a strangled yelp exited first. "Hand! Off! Now!"

Kakashi squeezed the pert bottom, admiring by feel the tight round buns he so dearly loved. _Score one for Hatake._

"Ah, but Iruka-"

"I hope you pee your pants you perverted bastard!" He brought a hand back and hit at the groping palm on his ass. At the last second though, he felt one hand retreat from his bottom, then the stinging smack of his own hand hitting tush.

Kakashi snickered. Iruka had turned purple in point five seconds, and boy was it amusing. "Are you punishing yourself for something, sensei? Because it really is quite kinky." _Score two for Hatake!_

"I'm sleeping on the couch tonight, you're sleeping in the bed."

_Score two for Umino._

Mission complete, failure prevailing.

o0O0o

It wasn't to go without saying that Iruka Umino was a kind soul. Neither was it uncommon to hear that Iruka Umino was sometimes a scary mofo. But in general, everyone loved him for being so kind hearted and caring.

That's exactly what plagued said teacher as he tossed and turned on his little and broken couch. He grunted, sighed, growled, and snarled every once in a while.

"Stupid jounin." With a final conceding sigh, the sleepy man sat up in the dark, eyes staring ahead in annoyance at nothing. He couldn't even feel right about forcing Kakashi to sleep in the big bed all by himself. And he had the _bed_.

Gathering what blankets and pillows he had scrounged, Iruka towed his items back into the bedroom. Guilt was slightly eminent, but washed away in relief upon entering the bedroom.

As quietly and stealthily as possible, he slipped beneath the welcoming covers and into a world of wonderful Kakashi smells and sounds. He smiled to himself, listening to Kakashi's even breathing, then inhaling the smell that so distinctly stated _Kakashi._

Much better.

"Mm... couldn't stand the thought of your poor little lover all by himself? Or does the couch hurt?"

Not so much better.

"Go to sleep."

"Only if you cuddle with me." The groggy and almost drunken voice implored seductively.

Iruka growled and reached out one blind hand, finding a shoulder, then a neck, then teeth.

"Ow! Don't bite me, I'm just trying to figure out where your sore spots are." Tugging his hand from the capturing mouth, Iruka scooted forward on the bed. Upon pressing his chest against the warmth that seemed nostalgic, he finally recognized the longing he'd had to touch his lover in better ways.

"I'm fine, you know." Kakashi murmured, a sly hand starting to travel.

Iruka smacked the hand in rebuke. "I don't care if you can bend over backwards, because I know you'd be forcing it if you got sex out of it."

Kakashi didn't take the hunt and moved forward instead. "Hm, I just love my Iruka-sensei more than anything in the world."

A long silence followed, the small chuunin finding it relatively safe to curl up against the lithe body in front of him. "Kakashi..."

"Hmmm..?" A long and indulging reply was accented with a kiss to the head.

"Do you remember... the stuff you said just before you passed out? The day you came home from the hospital?"

The white haired man tilted his head back in thought, then wagged from side to side. "No, not really. Was I on pain medication?"

"Something like that." Iruka waved it off. "But you said... you said some really... weird stuff. Like, that you called me as you fell, and that I pulled you out of the river." he murmured, sitting up on one elbow and searching for the pallid face in the dark, catching a flash of eye color.

A lightly serious air drifted over the two, but Kakashi smiled warmly. The mask gone, and the lips all promising. "When I figured out I was falling, I was thinking of you. I was so dazed and confused, blood loss and all... so I yelled out your name... called on you. Then, I came to and I was on the shore, and I could have sworn I'd smelled you just before another wave pushed me up further. It was probably the current that pulled me up, but at the time I was completely convinced you'd caught me from the fall and put me on the shore. I just wanted to be alright... I wanted to come back home to you. So I followed you. All the way to the village. I was so convinced it was you, I was running to keep up... and you came home and you laid down on the bed... so I laid down too. It was all in all a severe case of blood loss." he mused, scratching the back of his head, "But I still think that it was you who brought me home. If I hadn't wanted you so badly... I wouldn't have even tried to move, much less run all the way home." he chuckled lightly, wrapping his good arm around Iruka's waist and kissing slacked lips.

Iruka seemed to curl into the fetal position, much to Kakashi's demise, for he couldn't reach all the way around the brown teacher now.

"For me? You wanted me that badly?"

Kakashi beamed, "I love my Umino Iruka. You make me do all kinds of crazy things. But that's what love does to people right?"

Iruka smiled. "Yes. Yes it does." He leaned upwards, planting a sloppy wet kiss on the lips that had for so long waited... almost patiently.

"And since I love my Hatake Kakashi so much... I'm going to do something crazy, too."

An inquiring silver eyebrow rose.

Iruka smirked. "So what kind of porn did you want?"

_Score three for Umino. Umino Iruka wins._

_

* * *

_

Iruka won because he's instigator-of-the-porn. But Kakashi wins because he gets his porn. Aha. Porn. Yaaay!

Okay, this one shot is no officially over. I swear.

* * *

Oh wait, just kidding. I had an Omake moment for the sake of wrapping up this fic all the way.

Omake!

* * *

There was something _bothering_ Iruka. It was Kakashi.

"What do you _want?_" It was early. The sun was up. Someone wanted to die.

"We should have done this last night!" Kakashi thrust an Icha Icha Illistrated! into Iruka's face. "Can we do that porn thing over again, please?"

The annoyed chuunin snarled and shoved the book out of his face, "What-!"

"Genma and Raidoh gave me a get well present!" An all to excited Kakashi held up the basket. It was full of porn.

Iruka turned pink. Then purple. "We. Are. Not. Doing. That. Again." he forced between clenched teeth, glaring at the would be get-well-soon basket his 'friends' had given Kakashi. The bastards.

"No really, look at all this stuff we could have tried-!"

Iruka beat him across the head with a pillow, the jounin whimpering about head wounds. The teacher merely aimed the pillow to a taught white stomach. With a huff he then clutched the new and already tainted feather pillow to his groin, sliding out of bed. Once turned around, he held it over his rear and waddled to the shower. Kakashi bemoaned the pillow's presence, knowing full well the 'morning after' waddle was one of his favorite Umino walks (yes, he'd named all of Iruka's walking styles). The only reply he got for the pillow whine was a middle finger.

Iruka loved his pillow. Even though it was not as perfect as his last pillow, and it now smelled of Hatake spunk (they considered it a christening for the Hatake/Umino residence), it was a good pillow. Because it prevented Kakashi from getting a look at the juicy Umino ass he craved and worshipped.

Really, Iruka didn't see _what_ was so appealing about his rear end in the first place. But as long as he had a power over Kakashi (ass power?) he was going to use it.

* * *

It's over now. I just had to include pillows somehow. That was my purpose. 

THE END.


End file.
